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Wisconsin Man Under Investigation After April Fools' Prank "Goes Too Far"
A Chicago-based tech firm discovered their offices overrun with live penguins after surveillance cameras were looped for ninety minutes. Authorities are searching for a person of interest with a familiar history.
March Weather Recap: Chicago Experienced All Four Seasons on 17 Separate Days
Meteorologists confirm that March 2026 delivered summer, winter, fall, and spring conditions on more than half its calendar days, sometimes within the same afternoon.
Culpepper Terminated a Record Fourth Time After Rearranging Entire Newsroom According to Feng Shui
Dennis Culpepper, who has now been hired and fired four times in a single month, was let go after reorganizing all desks, filing cabinets, and the managing editor's office to optimize the building's 'chi flow.'
Bulls Waive Jaden Ivey Two Hours Before Tipoff 'For Conduct Detrimental to the Team,' Decline to Specify Conduct
The organization released the guard on Monday afternoon in what it called a necessary roster decision, then declined all seventeen follow-up questions about what that decision was based on.
Rivers Restaurant Closing After 30 Years, Leaving Loop Traders With Nowhere to Discuss Futures Contracts Over Salmon
The riverfront institution at 30 S. Wacker Drive will serve its final lunch April 12, ending three decades of power meals, client dinners, and overpriced wine within walking distance of the CME.
Victor Wembanyama Scored 41 Points Against the Bulls in 8 Minutes and 31 Seconds of Double-Double Time, Which Is Not a Basketball Statistic
James Okafor attended Monday's game in San Antonio and has questions about what he witnessed that extend beyond the realm of sports journalism.
Linguists Decode Rental Listing for 'Cozy' Lincoln Park Studio, Find 23 Euphemisms
A team at Northwestern's linguistics department analyzed a 94-word apartment listing and found it contained no accurate descriptors of the physical space.
Chicago Bulls Fans Pivot to Loss Optimization Strategy, Report Record Engagement Metrics
Following the team's elimination from playoff contention, Chicago's basketball fanbase has formally rebranded its experience around draft lottery positioning — and the numbers are looking strong.
It Is 75 Degrees in Chicago and We Are Not Going to Talk About What Happens Next
A warm front arrived over the city Monday morning. James Okafor went outside and is still thinking about it.
The White Sox Lost 14-2 on Opening Day and Struck Out Twenty Times and I Need Everyone to Understand What That Means
Tom Hennessey watched Chicago's other baseball team play their first game of the season. He has feelings.
Retired Crossing Guard Still Shows Up to His Corner Every Morning, Nobody Has the Heart to Tell Him
Earl Washington, 74, has been directing pedestrian traffic at Addison and Damen for three months after his December retirement. The school says he's welcome to stay.
CTA Launches 'Farecard Inspection Missions,' Assures Riders the Name Was Not Arrived at Ironically
The agency's new security overhaul introduces sheriff's deputies on trains, high-barrier turnstiles, and a terminology choice that has given this reporter pause.
The Cubs Lost 10-4, Then Won 10-4, and Nobody Is Talking About This
In the opening week at Wrigley Field, the universe folded neatly in half. James Okafor was there for both.
New 12,000-Square-Foot Pan-Mediterranean Restaurant Opening on Chicago Riverwalk Is Just a Restaurant, Developers Insist
NAIA will seat 500 guests across an entire city block of riverfront, which its investors describe as 'intimate' and 'neighborhood-scaled,' and which this reporter's tape measure describes differently.
Pilsen Dive Bar's Jukebox Now Only Plays 'Don't Stop Believin'' Regardless of Selection
Every button on the machine triggers the same Journey classic. The owner says the repair would cost $400 and he's 'not doing that.'
I Watched the Bulls Give Up 157 Points Last Night and I Have Some Thoughts
Tom Hennessey sat down to watch some basketball. He is still processing.
Judge Orders $3.1 Billion in CTA Funding Released; Agency Celebrates by Revising Red Line Extension Completion Date From 2089 to 2087
Following a federal court victory restoring more than $3 billion in frozen transit funds, the CTA moved quickly to update its project timeline by what officials called 'a meaningful margin.'
Chicago Passes Landmark Robot Sidewalk Ordinance; Delivery Units Must Now Yield to Pigeons, Aldermen, and Anyone Carrying More Than Two Grocery Bags
The 47-page Autonomous Sidewalk Conveyance Etiquette Ordinance passed 40-10 this week, becoming the nation's most comprehensive legislative document to use the phrase 'motorized snack vessel.'
Bridgeport Man's Dibs Collection Now Exceeds Available Parking Spots on His Block
Walter Novak has placed 14 chairs across 11 parking spots he claims to have shoveled at various points during the last three winters.
Well. There It Is.
Tom Hennessey had just finished writing that he wasn't getting his hopes up when the Cubs went out and lost 10-4 to the Nationals on Opening Day.
City Forms Interagency Teen Task Force After Spring Break Loop 'Disturbance'; Bicycle Sidewalk Infraction Identified as 'Central Threat'
Following Wednesday night's spring break gathering at State and Randolph that drew an estimated 300 teenagers and prompted a curfew enforcement order, the city has activated a five-agency response framework and is asking residents to remain calm while it processes what happened.
Fulton Market Welcomes Its 11th Omakase, First Restaurant With a DJ, and One Steakhouse Described as 'Opulent' in Its Own Press Release
A new wave of West Loop and Fulton Market openings this spring has intensified the neighborhood's transformation into what industry observers are calling 'the same eight concepts executed slightly differently in adjacent storefronts.'
Startup Launches $14 Bottles of 'Premium' Lake Michigan Water, Sells Out in Hours
LAKE™ promises 'hyper-local hydration' sourced from the same body of water that supplies Chicago's taps. Investors are reportedly thrilled.
Archaeological Survey of Loop Office Fridge Uncovers Tupperware Dating to Previous Mayoral Administration
The Windy City Dispatch's newest reporter Dennis Culpepper investigates the discovery of historic leftovers in a LaSalle Street office refrigerator.
CTA Sues Federal Government Over Frozen $2.1 Billion, Contractor Deadline Tomorrow
The agency filed suit this week after DOT froze funding for the Red Line Extension and Red/Purple Modernization projects. The contractor demobilization clock runs out Thursday.
I Told Myself I Wasn't Getting Excited About the Cubs This Year
Lifelong fan Tom Hennessey recounts his annual vow of detachment, and exactly when it collapsed.
Two Food Delivery Robots Have Now Crashed Into CTA Bus Shelters, Which Raises Some Questions
Serve Robotics and Coco Robotics each managed to find a CTA bus shelter within days of each other. Experts are calling it a learning opportunity.
Woman Finishes Entire 900-Page Novel Using Nothing but CTA Brown Line Delays
A Ravenswood commuter has completed 'The Overstory' in its entirety during delays, signal problems, and one memorable 40-minute standstill near Armitage.
Cubs Lock Up Pete Crow-Armstrong for $115 Million, a Number That Used to Buy a Midsize Corporation
The 22-year-old center fielder signs a six-year extension the day before Opening Day, because nothing says 'we believe in you' like a nine-figure commitment finalized while packing for a road trip.
First Patio Season Sighting of 2026 Reported in Andersonville, Witnesses Describe Scene as 'Brave, if Medically Inadvisable'
A single customer was observed drinking coffee outdoors at a cafe on Clark Street in 48-degree weather, marking the unofficial start of Chicago's most psychologically complex dining season.
NBC Chicago Spends $70 Million to Downsize Into Jerry Springer's Old Studio, Calls It 'the Future of Local News'
The station has consolidated five floors into one 70,000-square-foot space on the former set of 'The Jerry Springer Show,' complete with robotic cameras, a game room, and panoramic views of Michigan Avenue.
Wrigley Field Stays Up All Night Before Opening Day, as It Has Every Year Since 1914
The grounds crew is painting lines, the ivy is pretending it's not nervous, and 41,649 seats are holding their breath. Tomorrow is the only day of the year that matters.
Bridgeport Pothole Develops Thriving Ecosystem, Applies for Wetland Protection
A pothole on South Halsted has been left unrepaired so long that it now hosts plant life, tadpoles, and what one biologist calls 'a genuinely impressive food web.'
Culpepper Out Again at Dispatch After Listing Newspaper Itself as His Emergency Contact
Dennis Culpepper, now fired three times in three weeks, was dismissed after HR discovered he had listed The Windy City Dispatch's main switchboard as his emergency contact, next of kin, and personal reference.
Bears Spend Entire Free Agency Period Buying Things, Fans Cautiously Optimistic for First Time Since Last Time
Ryan Poles has signed a safety, a linebacker, a defensive tackle, and traded for a center, prompting Bears fans to enter the most dangerous phase of the offseason: genuine hope.
Cubs Lose Seiya Suzuki to Injured List Two Days Before Opening Day, Fans Enter Familiar Stages of Grief
A PCL sprain in his right knee will sideline the star outfielder for the start of the season, marking the earliest point at which Cubs fans have been asked to lower their expectations since at least last year.
Illinois Film Industry Hits $703 Million in Spending, Residents Report Being Asked to Move Their Car at Least Once a Week
A record-breaking year for film production has generated 18,000 jobs, a $6.81 return per tax credit dollar, and an immeasurable amount of confusion about which streets are closed for what reason.
Annual Pothole Migration Arrives Two Weeks Early, CDOT Deploys 25 Crews to Manage What Scientists Are Calling 'an Inevitability'
March's freeze-thaw cycles have opened the streets of Chicago like perforated envelopes, and the city's 311 system has received more complaints about road surfaces than about any other topic for the first time since 2019.
Lakeview Apartment Laundry Room Enters Third Week of Passive-Aggressive Note Escalation
What started as a polite reminder about dryer lint has evolved into a literary feud conducted entirely in laminated signage.
Chicago Fire Win Consecutive Games, Confuse Entire City
Hugo Cuypers has scored in four straight matches and the Fire look genuinely competitive, leaving fans unsure whether to celebrate or check for signs of an elaborate prank.
Six Vegan Restaurants Close in Chicago in Under Three Months, City's Italian Beef Shops Decline to Comment
A wave of plant-based closures — including the home of Chicago's original vegan deep-dish — has prompted soul-searching in the dining scene and quiet vindication in the city's 437 remaining Italian beef establishments.
Cubs Return to Hulu After 5.5-Year Blackout While White Sox Counter by Putting Games on Actual Antenna Television
Marquee Sports Network finally lands on Hulu and Amazon Prime, ending a half-decade exile, while the Sox simulcast 10 games on free over-the-air WCIU — a strategy gap that perfectly mirrors everything else about these two franchises.
Griffin Museum Staff Spend Eight Hours Spring-Cleaning a Castle That Hasn't Had a Resident Since 1949
The Griffin Museum of Science and Industry's annual deep clean of Colleen Moore's Fairy Castle requires tweezers, magnifying loupes, and the patience of someone who has made peace with the size of their life's work.
Logan Square Board Game Night Ends in Schism Over Settlers of Catan Trade Embargo
What began as a friendly Thursday gathering has fractured into two rival factions that now meet on alternating weeks.
Bulls Front Office Reportedly Alarmed After Team Accidentally Wins Four Games in March
After an 0-11 February that had the tank running smoothly, Chicago's basketball team has inexplicably won four games this month, threatening the franchise's carefully cultivated losing strategy.
City Council's Bold Plan to Attract More Tourists: Make It More Expensive to Visit
Chicago's hotel tax hits 19%, the highest in the nation, as part of a new Tourism Improvement District that will use tourist money to convince more tourists to come spend tourist money.
Chicago Experiences All Four Seasons in Single Week, Residents Unmoved
A March that delivered sub-zero wind chills, 60 mph gusts, record-breaking rainfall, and 65-degree sunshine has prompted meteorologists to ask if anyone is even listening anymore.
Cubs Unveil $47 Hot Dog in Bao Bun, Insist It's Still 'Accessible Ballpark Fare'
Wrigley Field's 2026 concession menu features a Vienna Beef dog in a steamed bao bun with truffle aioli, tempura sport peppers, and edible gold leaf, and the Cubs would like you to know it's a great value.
Entire Divvy Station on Damen Vanishes Overnight, Returns with One Extra Bike
The Damen and Milwaukee station disappeared for 14 hours before reappearing fully stocked — plus one bike no one can account for.
Canada Geese Return to Lakefront Two Weeks Early, Immediately Establish Dominance Over Entire Path System
An estimated 4,000 Canada geese have descended on the lakefront trail ahead of schedule, forming blockades at key intersections and converting several stretches of the path into what wildlife officials are calling 'a no-go zone for bipeds.'
O'Hare Expects 3.7 Million Spring Break Travelers, Offers Thoughts and Prayers in Lieu of Adequate Staffing
The Chicago Department of Aviation projects a 13% increase in spring break passenger volume at O'Hare, coinciding perfectly with a government shutdown that has left TSA agents working without pay for over five weeks.
Everyone Left for Spring Break and Frankly the City Has Never Been Better
With CPS on vacation and half the city decamped to warmer climates, one columnist reports that Chicago has achieved a state of grace he did not know was possible.
Flock of Green Parakeets Spotted in the Loop Has Scientists Excited, Pigeons Concerned
A growing colony of monk parakeets has established itself near Millennium Park, raising questions about urban ecology and avian social hierarchies.
Hennessey's Take: The Blackhawks Beat Minnesota and I Don't Know What to Do With My Hands
After 19 consecutive losses to the Wild stretching back to 2019, the Blackhawks finally won, and one columnist is not emotionally prepared for it.
Cook County Assessor's Office Enters 'Transition Period,' Staff Unsure Whether to Update Resumes or Property Values First
With Fritz Kaegi ousted by Pat Hynes in Tuesday's primary, the assessor's office faces months of limbo as employees weigh loyalty, job security, and the existential question of what a house is actually worth.
Lollapalooza 2026 Sells Out in 11 Minutes, Setting New Record for Fastest Way to Spend $399
Four-day GA passes vanished before most Chicagoans finished their morning coffee, leaving thousands on a waitlist and fueling a thriving secondary market where tickets are listed at prices that would make a landlord blush.
Wicker Park Café Imposes 15-Word Maximum on Coffee Orders
After a single order took four minutes to dictate, Groundswell Coffee enacts what management calls 'a necessary linguistic intervention.'
Office Workers Union Proposes Standardized Elevator Small Talk to 'End the Awkwardness Once and for All'
Newly hired Dispatch reporter Dennis Culpepper covers a bold proposal from AFSCME Local 31 to mandate approved conversation topics for all Chicago office building elevators.
Marquee Sports Network Now Available on Every Streaming Platform Except Whichever One You Already Have
The Cubs' regional sports network has expanded to Hulu + Live TV and Amazon Prime Video, bringing the total number of ways to almost watch Cubs games to a new personal record.
Hennessey's Take: I Voted on Tuesday and All I Got Was This Lousy Democracy
Tom Hennessey reflects on the Illinois primary, the death of the simple ballot, and why he misses the days when you could vote in under ten minutes and still make it to Schaller's by noon.
Chicagoans Hold Breath as Spring Equinox Approaches, Fully Aware March Has Lied Before
With the vernal equinox arriving Thursday, lakefront residents report cautious optimism tempered by the deep institutional memory of March blizzards, April ice storms, and that one year it snowed in May.
City Council Freezes Tipped Wage; Mayor Vows Veto; Bartenders Vow to Remember Every Face
A 30-18 vote to freeze the subminimum wage at 76% has set off a chain reaction of strongly worded statements, passive-aggressive garnish placement, and at least one bartender's 'mental list.'
Bears Inform Springfield Stadium Bill Is 'Time-Sensitive'; Legislature Confirms Receipt, Plans to 'Circle Back'
With construction costs rising and a head coach on a $13 million annual salary, the Bears have escalated their stadium proposal from 'important' to 'urgent,' a distinction Springfield sources say they find 'interesting.'
Chicago Streets Present Layered Archaeological Record of St. Patrick's Day and Election Day Occurring Simultaneously
City sanitation crews report that the morning-after debris field from March 17 — green confetti intermingled with campaign literature, shamrock beads tangled in yard signs — constitutes 'the most civically complex cleanup in recent memory.'
Seventy Thousand Chicagoans Discovered the Primary Existed Between 4 and 7 PM; Board of Elections Calls It 'Peak Civic Engagement'
After turnout sat at a glacial 16% through mid-afternoon, a stampede of voters hit the polls in the final three hours, accounting for more than a third of the day's total ballots and all of the day's drama.
United Center Begins March Madness Conversion; Bulls Fans Reminded the Building Has Other Uses
With the NCAA Midwest Regional arriving March 27, the United Center is undergoing its annual identity crisis: a hockey-and-basketball arena that must briefly become a different kind of basketball arena.
Chicago Holds Election on St. Patrick's Day; Board of Elections Reports Turnout 'Consistent With a Holiday'
Illinois voters cast ballots Tuesday amid green body paint, errant bagpipers, and at least one precinct where the polling place was directly adjacent to an outdoor bar tent that opened at 6 AM.
Chicago's First Fully Autonomous Mattress Store Reports Record Quarter Despite Zero Employees and, Apparently, Zero Customers
Beds Direct, an unstaffed showroom in Old Irving Park, has operated for 90 days without a single human entering the building, which the company's CEO calls 'a validation of the model.'
CTA Issues Emergency Cosplay Guidelines Ahead of C2E2, Asks Riders to 'Please Leave the Broadsword at Home'
With C2E2 descending on McCormick Place March 27–29, the Chicago Transit Authority has released a six-page addendum to its carry-on policy addressing foam weapons, capes, and 'armor that impedes turnstile access.'
Chicago Drops 27 Degrees in Ten Days; Meteorologists Confirm This Is Just 'What March Does'
After a euphoric 54°F Saturday on March 7 sent residents into a frenzy of premature patio furniture deployment, today's high of 27°F has arrived like a correction in the emotional markets.
White Sox Catcher Pulls Hamstring Playing for Italy; Sox Fans Unsure If This Counts as Their Problem
Kyle Teel's 4-to-6-week injury in the World Baseball Classic has prompted an existential debate on the South Side about whether suffering for another country's flag still qualifies as White Sox suffering.
Dispatch Reporter Fired Again After Parking in Editor's Reserved Spot Despite Not Owning a Car
Dennis Culpepper, who was hired and fired from the paper just last week, has been let go a second time after repeatedly occupying the editor-in-chief's parking space with a folding chair.
Illinois Votes Tomorrow. The City Is Getting Quiet in a Way That Means Something.
On the eve of the March 17 primary, James Okafor walks the city and considers what it means to hold a vote in a place that holds so many things at once.
Bears Complete Eleven Free Agent Signings in Five Days, Front Office Calls It 'Strategic Portfolio Diversification'
Chicago's NFL franchise executed what analysts are calling the most aggressive free agency period in recent memory, deploying the language of private equity to describe what is, functionally, a football team buying eleven guys.
Meteorologists Confirm March 16 Blizzard Is Winter's Way of Having the Last Word
A bomb cyclone drops up to four inches of snow on a city that had already emotionally committed to spring, raising familiar questions about hubris, seasonal denial, and the nature of hope in the Midwest.
Illinois Gets a 3-Seed and Now Every Person I Know Is a Basketball Strategist
The Illini's sixth consecutive NCAA Tournament appearance has transformed a city of nine million Bears opinions into a city of nine million bracket analysts, none of whom watched a regular season game.
O'Hare Cancels 384 Flights, Stranded Passengers Form What Sociologists Are Calling 'A Small Society'
Terminal 3 has developed its own economy, social hierarchy, and at least two territorial disputes over outlet access as the bomb cyclone grounds hundreds of flights.
Chicago Hospitality Sector Reports 'Record' St. Patrick's Day Weekend, Declines to Specify Record of What
Bar and restaurant groups say Green Weekend 2026 exceeded all benchmarks, though the benchmarks, the methodology, and the definition of 'exceeded' remain proprietary.
CPS Board Names Three CEO Finalists, Including the Interim CEO They Previously Told Was Not in the Running
The Chicago Board of Education announced three finalists for the permanent CEO position Thursday, one of whom has been doing the job since June and was initially informed she would not be considered for it.
Live Nation Agrees to Divest 13 of Its Hundreds of Venues and Cap Fees at Only 15%, Illinois Calls This 'a Terrible Deal'
The DOJ's antitrust settlement with Ticketmaster's parent company would require the entertainment giant to sell a handful of venues, none of which are in Illinois, and cap service fees at a level that is still higher than what most people consider reasonable.
My White Sox Catcher Helped Italy Beat America in the World Baseball Classic and Then Got Hurt Doing It
Kyle Teel, the White Sox's top catching prospect, played for Team Italy in its upset of Team USA, strained his hamstring in the process, and will likely miss the start of the season — a sequence of events that Tom Hennessey is processing in real time.
Illinois Lawmakers Introduce Bill to Ban Eating Pie on Pi Day, Citing 'Fundamental Misunderstanding of Mathematics'
A bipartisan coalition of math-adjacent state legislators has proposed making it a misdemeanor to consume baked pie products on March 14th, arguing the holiday 'belongs to the ratio, not the pastry.'
City Releases 47-Page St. Patrick's Day Crowd Management Plan; Page 46 Notes the Plan Will Not Be Read
Chicago's Department of Special Events has published its most comprehensive parade logistics document to date, covering 214 operational contingencies and a section on what to do if a horse gets on the L.
Chicago Officially Classifies Scrolling Through Instagram as an 'Amusement,' Files Now Being Prepared
The city's new Social Media Amusement Tax charges platforms 50 cents per active user per month, a levy that Big Tech is now suing to block on the grounds that reading your aunt's political posts does not constitute entertainment.
The First Patio Chairs Have Appeared on Chicago Sidewalks, and They Are Not Ready
Across the city, restaurants have begun setting out outdoor furniture in defiance of the forecast, the wind, and the fundamental premise that 36 degrees is not patio weather — a gesture of optimism so irrational it borders on the sacred.
March in Chicago Has Become a Month-Long Emergency and I Would Like It to Stop
Between Pulaski Day, Daylight Saving, tornadoes, Pi Day, St. Patrick's Day, the primary election, and spring training, Tom Hennessey would like to know when he is allowed to simply exist without an obligation.
Opposite Day Falls on Friday the 13th; Chicagoans Report Unprecedented Streak of Good Fortune
The rare calendrical overlap has produced what experts are calling 'a logically airtight inversion of bad luck,' prompting citywide celebration and at least one man to intentionally walk under every ladder on Michigan Avenue.
I Have Watched the River Turn Green 31 Times and I Have One Simple Request
Tom Hennessey on what St. Patrick's Day used to be before it became a content opportunity for people who discovered Chicago six months ago.
Chicago's Bold Plan to Attract More Tourists: Make Hotels the Most Expensive in the Country
The City Council Finance Committee has approved a Tourism Improvement District that would raise Chicago's hotel tax to 19%, the highest in the nation, in order to fund efforts to convince people to visit a city where hotel rooms now cost 19% more.
CPS Sixth-Grader Wins Citywide Spelling Bee With 'Logothete,' a Word Zero Adults in the Audience Could Define
Seraj Zerhouni of LaSalle II Elementary clinched the championship in Round 18 by correctly spelling a term for a Byzantine administrative official, one year after losing on the word 'Tiffany.'
I Watched Alex Bregman Take Batting Practice and Now I Need Everyone to Calm Down, Including Myself
Tom Hennessey travels to Sloan Park in Mesa, Arizona to see what $175 million buys you in a Cubs uniform, and returns with feelings he is not fully prepared to process.
Cook County's $47 Million Property Tax Portal 'Nearly Ready,' Officials Confirm for 17th Quarter
After a software upgrade delayed tax bills by months, county officials say the system is 'performing within expected parameters,' which they have declined to define.
Chicago Teachers Union Clarifies $3.1 Million Political Budget Is for 'Civic Awareness,' Not Politics
The CTU's fiscal report reveals $3.1 million earmarked for political activities through June 2026, which union leadership emphasizes is completely different from politics.
Chicago Survives Longest Freeze in 19 Years, Emerges Unsure of Itself
After weeks of temperatures at or below zero, Chicago residents report a creeping unfamiliarity with the concept of going outside without a specific reason.
Study Finds Average Loop Worker Loses 11 Minutes Per Day to Revolving Door Hesitation
New Windy City Dispatch reporter Dennis Culpepper investigates a Northwestern study on the hidden productivity costs of Chicago's iconic revolving doors.
Bears Spend $70 Million on Defense, Remain Philosophically Committed to Offense as Concept
The Chicago Bears signed two defensive starters in a $70 million spending spree this week, completing a free agency period in which the team acquired zero wide receivers and confirmed, once again, that they have a plan.
Ten Democrats Are Running for One House Seat and the Debate Stage Rental Was Not Cheap
The race to succeed Rep. Robin Kelly in Illinois' 2nd Congressional District has attracted ten Democratic candidates, prompting the Cook County Democratic Party to quietly update its venue contracts and its definition of 'manageable.'
A Six-Inch Hailstone Fell on Kankakee and Scientists Are Asking What It Wants
A potentially record-breaking hailstone measured six inches in diameter during Tuesday's severe weather outbreak, prompting atmospheric scientists to wonder whether the atmosphere is trying to communicate something, and if so, what.
New 'Power Rangers: SPD' Revival Will Stand for 'Seattle Police Department,' Film Entirely in Chicago
Hasbro and Disney+ have announced a revival of the beloved 2005 Power Rangers SPD series, reimagined as 'Power Rangers: Seattle Police Department,' which will be filmed on location in Chicago due to what producers describe as 'a permitting situation in Seattle that we are not going to get into.'
Chicago Named #1 Metro for Corporate Relocation for 13th Consecutive Year; Companies That Moved Here Have a Lot to Say About That
Site Selection Magazine's annual ranking confirms Chicagoland's pole position in corporate site selection for a record-setting 13th straight year, with local boosters celebrating a streak that the relocating companies describe, with some emotion, as 'the full experience.'
Illinois Voters Unsettled by Senate Primary Featuring No Obviously Bad Options
The March 17 Democratic primary for Dick Durbin's open Senate seat has generated an unusual civic phenomenon: three credentialed, policy-fluent candidates, leaving voters without the conventional anti-vote to anchor their decision-making.
The White Sox Open in 16 Days and I've Already Bought My Tickets, Don't Ask Me to Explain Myself
With the 2026 season opener set for March 26, Tom Hennessey delivers a full accounting of his feelings about the White Sox rebuild — which amounts to a grudging, eyes-open, completely irrational kind of hope.
Dispatch's Newest Reporter Terminated After Five Days Over Unreturned Calculator
General assignment reporter Dennis Culpepper has been let go from The Windy City Dispatch following a dispute involving a borrowed TI-30X from the accounting department.
Chicago One Step Closer to Video Gambling in Bars; The Machines Are Being Briefed
A City Council committee advanced an ordinance this week that would allow video gambling terminals in Chicago bars and restaurants, moving the city toward joining the rest of Illinois in a tradition that has so far generated $2.4 billion in state revenue and a particular quality of silence in downstate taverns.
Cubs Lose Spring Training Game 9-5; Fans Activate Annual 'Doesn't Count' Protocol Right on Schedule
The Chicago Cubs fell to the San Francisco Giants 9-5 in Scottsdale on Sunday, a result that the franchise's fanbase has officially designated as 'informational rather than meaningful,' 'too early to say anything about,' and 'actually kind of encouraging if you look at it right.'
Wolf Lake Has Some Questions About the Bears Stadium Proposal and Would Like to Speak With Someone
Wolf Lake, the 765-acre lake straddling the Illinois-Indiana border near Hammond, has been informed that a proposed Chicago Bears stadium complex could significantly affect its future, and is currently in the process of developing a position on the matter.
City of Chicago Springs Forward, Loses Hour; OEMC Confirms the Hour Was Not Recoverable and Has Opened a Ticket
At 2:00 a.m. Sunday, Chicago advanced its clocks to 3:00 a.m. per federal mandate, eliminating one hour from the operational day. The Office of Emergency Management and Communications has acknowledged the loss, described it as 'expected,' and indicated the matter is being 'tracked.'
CTA Brown Line Loses an Hour Overnight, Finds the Experience 'Disorienting but Familiar'
The Brown Line, which has been running between Kimball and the Loop since 1907, lost sixty minutes between 2 and 3 a.m. Sunday alongside the rest of the country, and is reportedly taking it one stop at a time.
Chicago Hits 54 Degrees Saturday; City Declares It Summer, Opens Everything, Refuses to Discuss March
A high of 54°F arrived in Chicago Saturday, prompting the immediate deployment of patio furniture, the first shirtless jogger sighting of the calendar year, and a collective agreement among residents that this is, for all relevant purposes, warm.
Two Weeks Out, the Chicago River Is Already Nervous About St. Patrick's Day
The Chicago River, which will be dyed green for the 65th consecutive year on March 15th, has been informed of the timeline and is reportedly processing it with the specific mix of resignation and civic pride that comes from being a major American river with a very unusual tradition.
Chicago High Schoolers Voted Early This Week; The School Board Has Thoughts, a Subcommittee, and a Concerns Form
The Chicago Board of Education's 'Defenders of Da'Mocracy' early voting program put ballot boxes in 43 high schools this week, which went smoothly by most measures and generated 14 formal stakeholder reactions by Thursday afternoon.
The Chicago Symphony Has Hired Its Youngest Music Director in 133 Years; The Cello Section Has Feelings About This
Finnish conductor Klaus Mäkelä, 30, will assume the role of Chicago Symphony Orchestra music director in September 2027, becoming the youngest person in the ensemble's history to hold the position, a distinction the cellos are processing at different speeds.
The Matisse Cut-Outs at the Art Institute Have Been Here Six Weeks and Are Starting to Form Opinions About Chicago
Henri Matisse's 'Jazz' series, on loan from the Pompidou Centre through May, has reportedly settled into its gallery on the second floor of the Modern Wing, developed a preference for the morning light, and grown increasingly vocal about the museum's HVAC system.
Bears Trade DJ Moore to Buffalo, Confirm They Have a Plan, Won't Say What It Is
The Chicago Bears sent wide receiver DJ Moore to the Buffalo Bills Thursday for a second-round pick, freeing up $16.5 million in cap space and adding to the team's growing collection of draft assets, future hope, and the comfortable uncertainty that has defined Chicago football since approximately forever.
Indiana Tries to Woo the Bears; Chicago Responds By Pretending Indiana Didn't Say Anything
Indiana lawmakers have rushed through proposals to lure the Chicago Bears across state lines, prompting a masterclass in the Chicago tradition of ignoring an overture so completely that the person making it begins to question their own existence.
Gary, Indiana Holds Its Breath as Boy George's Tour Bus Reportedly 'About an Hour Out'
The city of Gary, Indiana entered a heightened state of anticipation Saturday as word spread that Boy George and Culture Club's tour bus had been spotted on I-90 heading northeast, with arrival at the Genesis Convention Center expected sometime before 8 p.m., pending traffic.
Capital One Lays Off 1,139 People at Former Discover HQ, Describes Experience as 'Comprehensive'
The Virginia-based credit card company announced its second round of post-merger layoffs at its Riverwoods facility Thursday, emphasizing that the process of eliminating jobs would include 'enhanced severance, benefits, and outplacement resources,' and that it would be 'comprehensive' about the whole thing.
Dumb Starbucks Announces Chicago Expansion, Citing 'Strong Market Fundamentals' and 'The Continued Relevance of Parody Law'
The Los Angeles-based coffee parody installation that briefly operated for three days in 2014 before being shut down by the health department has announced plans to open a flagship Chicago location, describing the move as 'a natural next chapter' in what its founder calls a 'vertically integrated absurdist brand platform.'
After Decade of Waiting, The 78's Vacant Lot Finally Gets to Be Something: Still Mostly a Hole, But Now an Official Hole
Chicago Fire FC broke ground Tuesday on a $750 million soccer stadium at The 78, ending years of patient inertia for a 62-acre stretch of South Loop land that had begun to develop a complicated sense of self.
White Sox Spring Training Averaging 3,056 Fans Per Game, Which Is Technically a Number Greater Than Zero
New data from Camelback Ranch in Glendale, Arizona reveals the White Sox are drawing an average of 3,056 spectators per spring training game, a figure the organization described as 'a baseline' and analysts described as 'statistically distinct from emptiness.'
Every Crosswalk Button in the Loop Exposed as Decorative, City Confirms
A Windy City Dispatch investigation by new hire Dennis Culpepper reveals that none of the pedestrian crossing buttons downtown have been connected to anything since 2009.
City Officials Pitch Bears Stadium Again, As God Intended, For the Millionth Time
Governor Pritzker and Mayor Johnson continued pushing for a new lakefront Bears stadium this week, marking what historians estimate is the 4,000th consecutive week someone in a suit has pointed at a rendering of this building.
CTA Submits Federal Safety Plan; Officials Confirm It Is, In Fact, A Plan, And It Does Address Safety
Facing a March 19 deadline and a threatened $50 million funding cut, the Chicago Transit Authority delivered its new security blueprint to federal regulators Tuesday, accompanied by a cover letter describing it as 'thorough.'
Early Voting Begins for March 17 Primary; City Clerk Releases 47-Page FAQ Clarifying What 'Early' Means
Cook County and all 50 Chicago wards opened early voting sites Monday, accompanied by a comprehensive guidance document addressing 214 frequently asked questions about the nature of voting before Election Day.
Local Startup Claims to Have Invented 'Smooth Potato Paste,' Seeks $40M Series A
Spudify says its patent-pending MashTech process — boiling potatoes and pressing them until soft — will disrupt the $900 billion global comfort food market.
Moon Apologizes to Chicago for 'Unscheduled Darkening' Tuesday Morning
Earth's only natural satellite issued a statement expressing embarrassment over the total lunar eclipse, citing poor planning and a general failure to communicate with the lakefront community.
Pope Leo XIV's Childhood Church Makes Preservation Chicago's Endangered List; Vatican Described as 'Aware'
The South Side parish where the first American-born pope grew up has been flagged as one of Chicago's most architecturally at-risk buildings, a development that local preservationists say raises 'significant questions' about whether holiness is load-bearing.
Three Illinois Congressmen Quietly Ask Their Districts to 'Hold On' While They Chase Senate Seat
With U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin retiring, three sitting House members have abandoned their congressional seats to run for the open Senate position, leaving their constituents with a form letter and a promise to 'circle back after the primary.'
Pedestrian Crossing Signals on State Street Begin Giving Unsolicited Life Advice
Walk signals across a twelve-block stretch of State Street have started displaying personal messages to pedestrians, ranging from gentle encouragement to pointed observations about their life choices.
Early Voting Machines Across Cook County Develop Strong Political Opinions, Refuse to Remain Nonpartisan
As early voting expands to all 50 Chicago wards ahead of the March 17 primary, poll workers report that several touchscreen machines have begun editorializing ballot choices and sighing audibly.
Elmo Announces 2028 Presidential Bid, Immediately Leads in Three Polls
The beloved Sesame Street resident filed paperwork with the FEC on Monday, running on a platform of mandatory nap time, sharing, and 'finding out what makes you special.' He is polling at 14 percent.
Lake Michigan Water Levels Drop Another 7 Inches as Lake Reportedly 'Going Through Something'
Hydrologists confirm that Lake Michigan's water levels have declined steadily since last year, falling 17 inches over two years. Researchers say the lake appears to be withdrawing emotionally as well as physically.
Startup Claims Mysterious Chemical Smell That Blanketed Chicago Was Actually 'Ambient Brand Activation'
As the Illinois EPA continues investigating the unidentified odor reported across the Midwest, a Fulton Market company has come forward to claim responsibility, calling the smell 'an olfactory disruption platform.'
I Went to North Side Restaurant Week and Everything Had Foam on It
Tom Hennessey braves the North Side Restaurant Week prix fixe menus and discovers that every dish, beverage, and possibly the napkins have been topped with some kind of artisanal foam.
Lake Michigan Offers to Share Water With Drought-Stricken Downstate, Demands Naming Rights in Return
As 80% of Illinois suffers through worsening drought conditions, the Great Lake has reportedly proposed a water-sharing agreement with terms that hydrologists are calling 'bold' and 'very lake-like.'
Oil Price Spike Threatens Chicago's Deep Dish Supply Chain, Economists Warn of 'Cheese Shortage by April'
As global oil prices surge nearly 10% amid rising geopolitical tensions, supply chain analysts say the real casualty could be mozzarella delivery logistics across the greater Chicagoland area.
Pulaski Day Confusion Reaches New Heights as Man Claims He Met Casimir Pulaski at a Jewel-Osco
As Chicago marks its beloved state holiday, a survey reveals that roughly 60% of residents who enjoy the day off have no idea who Casimir Pulaski was, with several respondents guessing he invented the Polish sausage.
Chicago Weather Achieves Self-Awareness, Admits It's 'Just Making Stuff Up at This Point'
After delivering the snowiest start to winter in 50 years followed by drought conditions three months later, the local climate system has reportedly gained consciousness and confessed to improvising.
CTA Announces L Train Delays Now Caused by Trains 'Taking Mental Health Days'
Transit authority embraces progressive workplace culture by extending wellness benefits to rolling stock, citing 'unprecedented levels of track-related burnout.'
Chicago Deep Dish Pizza Granted UNESCO World Heritage Status Over Italy's Objections
International body declares thick-crusted pizza a 'masterwork of human culinary ambition,' prompting diplomatic crisis with Rome.
Lake Michigan Petitions Federal Government for Reclassification as Ocean
Great Lake files 200-page brief arguing its 'emotional vastness and unpredictable fury' meet every reasonable definition of an ocean.
Loop Startup Raises $200M to 'Harvest and Monetize' Chicago's Wind
AeroVenture claims proprietary 'wind-capture mesh' technology will turn the Windy City's most abundant natural resource into a billion-dollar industry.
Millennium Park's Bean Refuses to Show Reflections of Anyone Who Hasn't Visited in Over a Year
Cloud Gate sculpture reportedly implementing 'loyalty-based reflection policy,' leaving infrequent visitors staring at a blank chrome void.
City Council Passes 'Dibs Reform Act' Requiring Chairs Used for Parking Dibs to Be at Least Mid-Century Modern
New ordinance mandates aesthetic standards for the time-honored Chicago tradition of claiming shoveled-out parking spots with furniture.
Report: 98% of 'Reply All' Emails at Major Loop Firm Could Have Been Resolved With Quiet Contemplation
Landmark workplace study finds that nearly all mass email replies at Chicago's third-largest law firm were 'entirely unnecessary and spiritually draining.'
Chicago Meteorologists Confirm: This Was the Winter That Finally Broke the City's Spirit
National Weather Service issues first-ever 'Existential Despair Advisory' as residents report unprecedented levels of seasonal hopelessness.
The City That Used to Work Now Runs on Oat Milk and Anxiety
Opinion columnist Tom Hennessey takes aim at the modern Chicago lifestyle, wondering when the city traded in its blue-collar grit for overpriced lattes and meditation apps.
Wrigley Field's Ivy Demands Creative Credit for Cubs' Winning Season
The iconic outfield ivy at Wrigley Field has reportedly retained legal counsel and is seeking formal recognition for its role in the team's success.
City Introduces 'Pothole Adoption Program' Allowing Residents to Name and Sponsor Road Craters
Chicago's Department of Transportation unveils a creative solution to the city's pothole crisis by letting citizens claim, name, and personally maintain their favorite road hazards.
Startup Promises AI-Powered 'Smart Ketchup' That Knows When You Want It on Your Hot Dog
A Chicago tech startup has unveiled an artificially intelligent condiment that uses machine learning to detect whether you're about to commit the city's greatest culinary sin.
Michigan Avenue Bridge Threatens to Stay Raised Until Someone Acknowledges Its Contribution to the Skyline
The DuSable Bridge has locked itself in the raised position and is refusing to come down, citing decades of being 'taken for granted' by commuters and tourists alike.
Scientists Discover Chicago River Now Flows in Third, Previously Unknown Direction
Researchers at the University of Chicago have identified a baffling new flow pattern in the Chicago River that defies conventional hydrology and, frankly, physics.
Study: Average Chicago Worker Spends 4.7 Years of Their Life Waiting for the Brown Line
A landmark Northwestern University study quantifies what Brown Line commuters have long suspected: they are spending a significant portion of their finite existence on elevated train platforms.
I Walked to the Lake Every Morning for 40 Years and Now There's a Scooter in My Way
Tom Hennessey recounts his decades-long morning walk to Lake Michigan and the electric scooter menace that has disrupted the sacred routine.